I object to tolerance. When an event or place says, “we are open to everyone,” my hackles go up. When they say, “this is a safe space for everyone,” I start to feel unsafe.
This has been the case for a long time, but it took me a while to understand why. Now that I do, I’d like to share, for any who have that same vague discomfort, or who think that being tolerant of everyone is a good thing. It seems like a lot of people are familiar with the “nazi bar” allegory, which is making the same point I am trying to here, but clearly many are not acting on that point.
The shortest explanation is, you should not be tolerant of nazis. You should not be tolerant of misogynists, or racists, or anyone else who identifies with and propagates an ideology based on hate. These beliefs are not just repulsive in and of themselves. They are also predicated on the idea that some of us are not fully human, or not deserving of basic respect, or kindness, or equal rights.
And because of this, you cannot welcome them in and also welcome in those they oppress. If you try, then the ones with the societal legitimacy, the ones on top of the power hierarchies – the bigots – will do the work of excising the marginalized among us for you.
I have seen, many times, small business owners and community events volunteers be surprised when exactly this happens. They also almost never take any kind of reparative action on behalf of the marginalized people who are driven out, and also usually harmed and/or traumatized. We are lucky if we even get an apology. They are usually privileged and wealthy, and thus, they are not beholden to account for their actions. Usually, they just continue perpetuating the cycle without a moment of reflection.
I will add that the bigots who have immunity due to social acceptability – because of the tolerant – are acutely aware of it. They know how to play their victims against the tolerant in such a way as to make us look like the bad guys, and it works far too often. Their Black/brown/trans/etc targets tend not to feel like it’s “legitimate” to react to their drip-fed microaggressions, always escalating, ever so slowly. And for what it’s worth, it isn’t, in the eyes of most. “Tolerant” folks love to stop being tolerant right when bigots’ victims reach our breaking point.
In the end, either we hit our limit and respond in kind, and in so doing get made out to be the real villain, or no one does anything until the bigots get bold enough to do something so obviously awful that even the tolerant can’t keep looking the other way, at least without risking their own status.
So, I think that tolerance, as deployed by well-intentioned, petit bourgeois cis white libs, is much more a threat to safety and community than a boon to them. And I’ll go further: I think we should defend ourselves when the microaggressions start ramping up with that telltale, malicious, intentional glee. We worry about being seen as overreacting, as touchy – who the fuck cares?
The tolerant are not the supportive or respectful, certainly not the loving. I think that, deep down, and usually only on an unconscious level, they agree with the bigots’ estimation of us. They’re just too acutely aware of optics at all times to let themselves think it or say it out loud. But nonetheless they are always happy to receive an opportunity to tell us we’re no longer welcome. It’s tiring and difficult for them to perform their tolerance to us, to get our pronouns right and avoid the most obvious and egregious microaggressions.
Their tolerance is of no value to us. We shouldn’t covet it, especially at the cost of our own dignity and equilibrium in spaces that are allegedly meant to be inclusive of us. We should assert basic self-respect even when discriminatory social norms tell us we should take the abuse. We deserve that much, at least.